How to Set Boundaries in Relationships Without Feeling Guilty

Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. However, setting boundaries can be intimidating for some due to cultural expectations, personal guilt, or fear of conflict. This may be especially so in the Singapore context, where strong family ties and collectivist values are deeply embedded. Yet, establishing limits is essential for emotional well-being and the health of any relationship.

Understanding the importance of boundaries

Boundaries define what is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship. They help individuals protect their emotional and mental well-being while fostering healthy interactions. Without clear boundaries, individuals may experience burnout, resentment, or even emotional exhaustion. For instance, a person who constantly prioritises their partner’s needs over their own may eventually feel undervalued or overwhelmed.

In Singapore, family obligations and societal pressures often dictate personal decisions., which is why setting boundaries are important for maintaining a more balanced relationship and a healthier you.

Identifying personal boundaries

Before communicating boundaries to others, it is essential to understand your own needs and well-being. This requires self-reflection and recognising what helps you feel emotionally secure and respected in your relationships (Brown, 2021). Consider:

• What makes me feel valued and at ease in my interactions?
• What do I need to maintain my emotional and mental well-being?
• What are my core needs in friendships, romantic relationships, or family dynamics?

For example, if uninterrupted downtime after work helps you recharge or if constructive feedback rather than constant criticism supports your self-esteem, these insights indicate the boundaries you need to set. By prioritising what nourishes your well-being, you can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Communicating boundaries effectively

Once personal limits are identified, the next step is clear and firm communication. Being direct when communicating your boundaries does not mean being harsh or confrontational. Instead, being direct allows you to help the other person understand how you are feeling, making it a respectful and honest conversation. Experts recommend using “I” statements to assert your needs while reducing defensiveness in the conversation (Mosunic, 2024). For example:

• “I feel overwhelmed when I receive work messages late at night. I need to set a boundary where we avoid wor- k discussions after 8 pm.”
• “I value our relationship, but I need some alone time to recharge. It helps me be a better partner.”

Focusing on your needs can help the other person understand where you’re coming from and your boundaries without being responsible for how you are feeling.

Handling resistance and maintaining consistency

Not everyone will respond positively to new boundaries, especially if they have benefitted from a lack of limits in the past. Some may attempt to test or ignore them, which is why consistency is key. If a boundary is repeatedly crossed, calmly restate it and reinforce consequences if necessary. For instance:

• “I’ve mentioned that I cannot lend money. Please respect my decision or I will need to hang up this call.”
• “Please do not call during work hours. I will only return your call when I am free.”

Adjusting the approach to recognise the other person’s needs can help both parties feel more connected without compromising on your own needs. You could express your boundaries while finding solutions that can meet both parties’ needs may encourage acceptance. For example, if a family member insists on frequent visits but it disrupts your schedule, you could propose an alternative arrangement, such as meeting on specific days instead of unannounced drop-ins.

Overcoming guilt and external pressure

Many people feel guilty when enforcing boundaries, particularly in the Singaporean context. This guilt often stems from worrying about disappointing others or being perceived as selfish. However, it is important to remember that setting boundaries is not about rejecting relationships but about preserving them in a healthy way.

To manage guilt:

• Remind yourself that your needs are just as important as others’.
• Understand that boundaries strengthen relationships by preventing resentment.
• Recognise that how others react does not reflect who you are as a person.

Setting and expressing your boundaries may take some practice, and it may be uncomfortable at first. But with time, healthy boundaries can encourage fulfilling relationships and ensure that you’re able to meet your needs. Boundaries aren’t magically set and enforced overnight—especially when dealing with long-standing relationship dynamics. It may take multiple conversations, adjustments, and even seeking input from the other party on what would help both of you maintain a respectful balance (Haupt, 2023). However, if the other person is dismissive or shaming, it’s important to maintain your stance and avoid unnecessary back-and-forth that compromises your well-being.

When there are long-term challenges in setting and maintaining boundaries in a relationship, seeking therapy can provide guidance and support for the parties in maintaining boundaries while navigating cultural dynamics.

The role of professional support

While self-awareness and communication skills play significant roles in setting boundaries, professional support can be invaluable, especially when complex relationship dynamics lead to impacts on mental health. In Singapore, there are various therapy options available depending on the relational issues and parties involved. Couple counselling provides a safe environment for partners to discuss boundaries openly and work towards mutual understanding. Family therapy also helps family members navigate boundary-setting with each other while addressing underlying emotional barriers.

In conclusion, setting boundaries is not about distancing oneself from others but about ensuring that relationships remain respectful and balanced. By understanding personal needs, communicating effectively, and managing guilt, individuals can create meaningful connections without compromising their well-being.

References

• Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House.
• Haupt, A. (2023, November 10). How to set boundaries with relatives, according to family therapists. TIME. https://time.com/6331383/how-to-set-boundaries-family/
• Mosunic. (2024). How to set healthy relationship boundaries (and stick to them). Calm Blog. https://www.calm.com/blog/relationship-boundaries